July 31, 2008

I just found this news article, posted today on Comcast.net. So tell me again why our gas prices are so high? Oh yeah, its because gas and oil companies are greedy sons of bitches, thats why.

"Exxon Mobil 2Q profit sets US record
By JOHN PORRETTO, AP Business Writer

HOUSTON - Lifted by record crude prices, Exxon Mobil says its second-quarter earnings rose nearly 14 percent to $11.68 billion, the biggest quarterly profit ever by any U.S. corporation.

The world's largest publicly traded oil company said Thursday its net income for the April-June period came to $2.22 a share, up from $10.26 billion, or $1.83 a share, a year ago.
Revenue rose 40 percent to $138.1 billion from $98.4 billion in the year-earlier quarter.

Excluding an aftertax charge of $290 million related to an Exxon Valdez court settlement, earnings amounted to $11.97 billion, or $2.27 per share.

Analyst on average expected Exxon Mobil to earn $2.52 a share on revenue of $144 billion, according to a survey by Thomson Financial. The estimates typically exclude one-time items."

July 30, 2008

Vegas: That's a Negative Ghostrider

I was attempting to get a week or so off work in August to go to Vegas with Mike and his family. Unfortunately, getting a vacation in August at my job is like trying to find a smart employee at a Walmart, it just doesn't happen.

Oh well, Vegas is over-hyped anyway. I much prefer vacationing in a place where I can relax and enjoy myself. Not where I need to worry about being robbed or stabbed in the street by a transvestite hooker. Maybe I've just gone too many times, there's just not much to do unless you plan on:

  1. Spending mass amounts of money on Alcohol

  2. Spending mass amounts of money on Gambling

  3. Spending mass amounts of money on Shows

So I guess even if I had been able to go, we'd run into the problem that I just don't have mass amounts of money! I think my online surveys need to start sending me more emails so I can get those account balances up. I plan on cashing out a few hundred dollars from them at least for a little extra spending money in Hawaii next winter!

New IKEA Car...some assembly required

And I thought Americans were bad...

Driver Sues Dead Victim's Family Over Car Damages:

..A Spanish driver who fatally collided with a cyclist is suing the dead youth’s family 20,000 Euros (£14,830) for the damage the impact of his body did to his luxury car, a Spanish newspaper reported.
Businessman Tomas Delgado says 17-year-old Enaitz Iriondo caused 14,000 Euros (£10,384) of damage to his Audi A8 in the fatal 2004 crash in La Rioja region, the El Pais newspaper reported.
Delgado, who has faced no criminal charges for the incident, wants a further 6,000 Euros (£4,450) to cover the cost of hiring another vehicle while his car was being repaired, El Pais said.
The youth had been cycling alone at night without reflective clothing or a helmet, according to a police report cited by El Pais.
His family won 33,000 Euros (£24,479)compensation from Delgado’s insurance company after the firm acknowledged he had been driving at excessive speed and this could have contributed to the incident, El Pais reported.
“I’m also a victim in all of this, you can’t fix the lad’s problems, but you can fix mine,” Delgado told the newspaper, ahead of a January 30 legal decision on his suit.
The family said they had previously pitied Delgado for the guilt he must feel at killing their son but were now disgusted that his greatest concern appeared to be money.
“This was the final straw, a kick in the teeth,” the youth’s mother Rosa Trinidad told El Pais.

World of Warcrack

I decided to start up my MMO addiction again. World of Warcraft to be exact. At one point I had 6 level 70s...but I've since sold the extra accounts I never use and dropped myself to just my main account with my holy / disc priest and druid tank on it. I'll never get rid of those two, too much time put into them.

They've made so many changes to the game recently, I figured I may as well jump back in and get accoustomed to the game again before Wrath of the Lich king hits stores and raises the level cap again. Its supposed to come out in November, but I'm not holding my breath. Blizzard is infamous for pushing back release dates months, sometimes years. Not that I'm really complaining, considering they've never released a bad product. They'd rather push out a quality product on day 1 rather than rush it out the door and patch it later. I applaud them for that.

I forgot how much time this game involves though, sometimes video games seem more like a job than a hobby. Now I know why those asian gold farmers are always online gathing money to sell. Their bosses probably stand behind them with whips and smack their backs if they try to move.

Poor Puppy

So I finally did it. I made my dog move outside. He's getting way to big for the house and honestly I can't stand the smell of animals when you walk through the front door, its disgusting. That, and the puppy is huge already. He's 4 months old and is pushing 70 lbs already. He's half Timber Wolf and Half Malamute. He's gonna be a big boy, but already he's a giant teddy bear...as long as you're talking to him or giving him attention, all he's interested in is cuddling. Yup, I'm going to end up with a 150lbs lapdog, should make for some fun times.

He used to live in our spare bedroom, but now he gets the backyard and the garage all to himself. However, all he ever does is stare through the glass of the french doors, whining to come back in. He's such a big baby.

July 29, 2008

Computer Cables - How the Hell?

Today I purchased a new, larger wooden computer desk to replace the smaller metal and glass one I was using. When I was trying to unhook everything to shift it over to the new desk, I discovered something I'd long forgotten about. Computer cables are alive and randomly move themselves around behind your desk while you're sleeping.


How do cables, that never move, that obviously weren't tangled when you hooked up the system...suddenly become a Rubik-cube of every knot known to man? They should be in the exactly position as when you last left them. Last I checked I haven't had any tornado's, hurricanes or other natural disasters tearing through my office that would have upset the computer cable gods, so what the hell happens with these things?

July 27, 2008

The editor should be fired. Or Promoted.

Motor Scooters - Hazard Warning

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you felt like you would sell your soul to get something right then and there? Well, I had a moment like that recently and I went cheap. I would have sold out for a camcorder. Wait a second! Before you judge me, here's why:

Driving down the road, there was a rather large; no screw it, there's no reason to be friendly here. There was this hippo riding one of those motorized scooter wheelchairs things down the sidewalk beside the main street in my town. She had two plastic grocery bags, one hanging from each of her handlebars. They were bulging to the point where I was almost afraid it was going to burst open in a rainstorm of twinkies and doritos. Anyhow, the left one slowly slid from the handlebar and fell to the ground.

You could almost see the hippo on board mouth "oh shit" as the weight of the remaining bag turned her scooter hard right and proceeded to sling her around, carnival-throw-up-ride-style into several 360s along the sidewalk. It was a blur of red scooter, flailing fat and a woman too large to do anything but hang on as if her chocolate bar stash depended on it.

So yes, I would have sold my soul for a camcorder right then because the fat woman doing a 1080 turn on the sidewalk at superspeed in a tiny circle would have made me millions on Americas Funniest Home Videos. I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time. I'm personally amazed that I didn't piss myself in the car.

July 26, 2008

Craigslist is Amazing!

So today we decided to get rid of the second couch we had stashed away in the puppy's bedroom. (Yes, my puppy had a bedroom. He has since then been located to the garage now that he's morphing into Gi-normous size.) It was a great couch, perfect condition except for a spot about 6" tall by about 4" wide on the lower right corner that the puppy had actually eatten through. He ate the upholstery, the stuffing, then started to chew on the wood below!

Anyhow, I suggested we clean out the room and get rid of the couch. My finance agreed. He didn't want to haul it to the dump and I don't blame him. Us hauling something to the dump means it will probably just sit around the house for another six months. I suggested we put it under the free section on Craigslist. My finance refused to believe that someone would want a partially chewed on couch. Obviously, he missed my "Craigslist: Free" blog. I insisted we try and he agreed...on the condition that when no one wanted it, I let him chop it to pieces with his new chainsaw and burn it.

I took a photo of the full couch and a zoomed in photo of the chew damage. I listed it on Craigslist with our phone number and managed to make it from my computer desk, down the hall and grab the phone before it rang with someone wanting the couch.

Five minutes is all it took for someone to call, get directions and say they'll be right over for the couch. Craigslist, I love you with all of my heart. You saved me a trip to the dump. Horray for scavengers!

July 25, 2008

Random Questions

What is Dryer lint? Why didnt the washing machine catch it? Is it just dirt and dust that the washing machine swept together during the spin cycle? How come we never see the "lint" on the clothes when we're tossing them into the dryer? Why dont the tiny lint pieces burn up in the high heat of the dryer?

July 23, 2008

Outsourcing - Save the company money while driving your customers crazy!

So, this little story happened to me about a month ago. Its just that the stupidity involved was so awe-inspiring that it hadn't even crossed my mind to blog about it. But for your entertainment now, one of the many reasons that companies should NOT outsource their "Customer Service" lines.

On the first of June, my finance and I ordered two large wooden desks from Office Depot for his office. They originally told us it would be delivered to us on June 5th. The 5th comes and goes...no desks. We call the help number on the invoice and it says "Delivered" We call them, they tell us it was a typo in the computer and that it means it was actually delivered to the store and then left again for delivery.We should see it on the 10th.

The 10th comes and goes...still no desk. This time we talk to the Customer Service manager (we're not outsourced yet) and she says she'll look into it and call us back. Surprisingly, a few hours later, she does call us back and says we'll have it on the 14th. Yeah, whatever.

Surprise! On the 14th, no desk. So, on the 15th...I call. The previous phone conversations I let my finance do, because there was no need to piss anyone off prematurely. Now, its my turn to have some fun. I get on the phone and I'm not going to even attempt to give them the benefit of the doubt anymore. We're outsourced on this call, evident by the Slurpee selling, taxi driving, Arabic dialect on the phone. I shit you not, this is how the phone call went:

"Office Depot customer service, how can I help you today?"
"How about by delivering the desk I ordered, or at least telling me where it's at?"
"May I have your order number?"
"-order number inserted here-"
"Just a moment please...I see no problem with your order. It states that you will receive the desk on the 14th before noon."
*Brief pause while I give her a moment to redeem herself by realizing its now late afternoon the 15th. However, there was no sign of life*
"I really hate to be the one to inform you that you're incredibly stupid, as it probably should have been done long ago, but its the 15th. At 5pm. So tell me how its on track to be delivered yesterday?"
*No response on her end, just the sudden blaring of hold music. I guess she was flipping through her Indian to English dictionary to translate for the rest of the call*
"I'm sorry for the hold, I'm looking into your desk now. It should be delivered soon."
"And I'm sorry that you have no idea what you're doing, let me talk to someone who has English as a first language, because you're not helping me any."
*At this point my finance is laughing and informing me that I'm a bitch. Sometimes you have to be.*
*Someone else gets on the line and it sounds like they just took the phone out of the hands of the first girl. I swear you can hear the first person sobbing in the background.*
"We're sorry for the trouble ma'am, we'll be giving you a 10% discount on your desk. You should see the desk in an hour."

I stay on the phone bitching for a good 15 minutes when the doorbell rings. My finance opens it and its the office depot delivery guy. I kid you not, first thing he says was "Damn, I just got called and yelled at and told to re-route my deliveries and to get to this house first and fast."

Score one for the squeaky wheel.

Walmart - Proof that humanity is screwed

Everytime I go into Walmart its almost a given that I'm going to see either an employee doing something really stupid, or a customer with the same case of retardation. This time, it was a customer. I was on my way out to pay for the 2 items I had in my hand, so I immediately walk up to the "10 items or less" lane. Guess what? There's a behemoth of a woman in front of me with two completely full shopping carts, pushing one and pulling the other through the express lane. When I point out that its the line for 10 or less, she says "I aint got ten carts, I only have two." And this...is why the planet is doomed. These types of gene pools seem to breed more and more fat cells with each birth and less of the brain cells needed for their babies to function correctly. Only in America.

July 19, 2008

Fantasy Football

Its almost that time of year again, Fantasy Football is just around the corner. Time for the live drafts to start and for yahoo to auto draft better than half the players out there. Time to take advantage of the people who know who's popular and go by name recognition rather than by actual skill on the field. Time to take the buy-ins from the teams that are die hard "insert name here" fans and insist on drafting all of their team's players...nevermind the fact that their team hasn't seen the superbowl, or even the play-offs in a decade. And thank god for the people who start drafting their defensive players half way through because "defenses win championships." Ok killer, when your J. Peppers outscores my T. Brady ANY YEAR, then I'll admit you're not a complete and total retard.
Most people may think playing with these types of people isn't fun, personally, I love the free money that gets thrown at me after the championships.

July 18, 2008

New Kitten!

So, to replace the kitten that my boyfriend lost/killed/etc. I got a new one today! She's freaking adorable and to continue a tradition for all pets in my house, seemingly retarded. She runs all over the place like she's part squirrel and sometimes forgets to duck down when running under things and clotheslines herself on the edge. Its kinda funny. She's unsure of what to do about my older cat (who doesnt seem to care about the kitten) and she'll arch, fluff up and hiss...only she's like 3 inches tall so you just kinda laugh at her attempts to be scary. We havent come up with a name yet. My finance keeps trying to call her "Pickle" but I continue to shoot that idea down before it gets stuck.

C'mon, Get down with the sickness

Lack of updates has been due to some weird virus that has decided to take over my body at random times. I'll be fine one minute and doubled over making friends with the porcelain god the next. The next few days afterwards I'll feel 100% better, only to have a relapse a day later. It's been awkward. I'd rather be sick constantly for a week, rather than sick on random days. At least if you're constantly barfing you can feel when you're starting to get better!

Oh well, at least I'm not pregnant!

July 12, 2008

Craigslist: Free

Craigslist can be a confusing place sometimes...especially the "Free" section of the webpage. If you've never been there, let me explain...basically its online classifieds that you can sort to be as close or as far to you as you'd like. They have one section thats basically free stuff. You'd be amazed what people just give away too...I've already lost track of how many times I've seen fully functional cars, hottubs, even a freaking triple-wide in the free listings. However, the ones that confuse and gross me out are the offerings for beds. Seriously. No one wants to buy or even take your used mattress, that's disgusting. Do people actually do this? Maybe I'm just weird, but I wont even take the display model mattress from the stores when I buy one, why would I take one that someone else has already slept, pissed, screwed, whatever in? Gross. Just do us all a favor and trash the damn thing. If your own bed is in such bad condition that even you wont sleep in it...what makes you think someone else wants to?

WoW Rant

This is a minor annoyance rant to anyone out there playing WoW. (World of Warcraft)

If you're retarded, stay out of my groups. Not only that, please just don't speak to me in general. Now, I don't mind helping people out, but if you ask and I say I'm busy, then leave me alone. I owe you nothing. Don't send me half a dozen tells with "plz" in them and then get pissed when I say "If you're too busy to even type 'please' I'm definately too busy to help you." Play your own character, I'm not going to play it for you. I will no longer assist in the making of level 70 newbies. Just because you're 70 doesn't mean you know what you're doing. If I ask for a healer and you yell that you're a warlock "plz invite" you just got added to ignore.

July 09, 2008

My Cat's all Sticky!

So, I've come to the conclusion that it's damn near impossible for me to own an animal that's not at least semi-retarded. This time it's my cat. If there is anything sticky in the house, she'll find it and get it so efficently stuck to her fur that I end up cutting most of it off with the scissors and leaving little bald patches randomly around her body, making her look like she has mange, or something.

In the two months or so that I've been living in the new house, she's managed to swan dive into two sticky mouse traps. You know, those ones that look like mini-tupperwear lids filled to the brim with superglue? Yeah. She got one of those stuck to each front foot and proceeded to screech through the house with what looked like flip flops stuck to her feet. That one was a bitch to get off of her. I had to cut glue off of her feet and from the pads of her paws for a good two hours and end it with a scrubbing in the bathtub. She was so scared, she didn't mind the water at all.

Then the other night, somehow she gets completely wrapped up in a long, sticky fly trap. No, I don't know how. All I know is I was pulled from a deep sleep with what sounded and looked like a black rocket shooting around the house, screeching like it had a fuse an hour long. This one was much, much worse than the mouse traps though. Imagine putting a tight rubberband around your wrist...that you've covered in superglue and allowed to dry. Thats exactly what it felt like trying to remove this thing from the cat. I ended up with just as much on me as she had on herself. She still has missing patches of fur all along her sides, maybe I should just shave her and get it over with, then maybe she'd stop getting her fur stuck to everything imaginable.

Cell Phones and the People who Worship Them

If you've ever been in a store and heard some self-important asshole in the aisle behind you blabbing away at his headset in a rediculously loud voice, you already know what this rant is about. If you've ever done that, then, this rant is about you and someone needs to slap you hard across the jaw.

Let me be blunt here, we DO NOT want to hear your conversation. We don't care if it makes you feel important to have an alien looking device plugged into your ear at all times so you can answer calls hands-free. Even worse are the people who insist on talking to the person on the other line via their speaker phone button...while in the store. Its double the annoyance factor when I have to hear both you shouting in and out of the horribly distorted crackling of a speaker phone. Better yet, are the people who are on their phone and make the cashier wait until their conversation is finished, before they answer the question "Paper or Plastic." YOU came into the store asshole, we aren't going to wait on YOU. You can come to us when you're ready.

I saw a guy last night on his phone, while also in a drive through at McDonalds. You could hear the poor cashier continually asking him what he could help him with, but Mr. Pretend-To-Be-Important kept gabbing away on his phone rather than ordering a meal. Times like that I should be able to play Bump And Pass in the drive through line. I bet I could get away with it too once I told the cop the situation.

Stay off your phone in public places...or at least speak in a reasonable tone and stop trying to force everyone around you to listen in on what time you have to take your kids to soccer practice. They probably aren't even your kids anyway. Might want to get a blood test done. Assholes.

July 08, 2008

Murder he wrote

My fiance made the strangest comment today. It was one of those that at first you're like "What the hell did you just say?" and then once it sank in, you laughed because it was so random. We were watching a Law & Order and while one of the suspects was being interrogated over a killing, my man says this:

"What a retard. If I wanted to kill someone, I have the perfect way. I'd do it in the winter, with a really sharp icicle in a hot tub, then there's no murder weapon left!"

I laughed a little bit, because usually its me with the completely off the wall random statements. I think I'm rubbing off on him.

July 06, 2008

As Good As It Gets

When people hear the term OCD, I think they immediately refer back to the movie "As Good As It Gets" with Jack Nicholson flipping light switches 20 times, stepping over cracks on tiles, basically drowning in the deep end of the pool with all of his issues.
But really, if someone were to tell me they weren't OCD at all, about anything, I'd probably laugh at them. Think about it, we all have something that we always have to have the exact same way. Guess what? That makes you OCD too!
I was bored and came up with a few of my OCD issues, feel free to share yours. Sometimes you don't even realize you have a problem until you think about it!

  • My stereos always have to be on an even number, I cant listen to my car stereo at volume "19" it has to be "18" or "20"
  • I CAN NOT fall asleep with the TV, XBox, Radio, etc still on. It drives me crazy. Its not that I cant sleep through it, I just cant sleep knowing its on.
  • My worst one is my books. I CAN NOT touch a used book, I don't care if it had the winning lotto numbers hidden inside, I'd stay broke. My books cant have marks, "dog-earred" pages, or even creases in the spines. Every book I own looks brand new, even though I've read them all dozens of times.
  • Money, it has to be sorted together and counted a certain way. I blame my job for this one.
  • DVDs and Games, I cant leave them inside the DVD player or gaming system when I'm done. Nor can I put them into a random case, they have to go back into their own case and put away.

I'm sure I have a lot more, I just can't recall all of my issues right now. Its a long list.

July 05, 2008

Women = Power

Women are born with an innate ability to both confuse the hell out of men and get what we want. I almost feel bad for the guys, almost. Last night my finance realized for as much as he talks and struts around, its only because I allow him to do so. He found out I'm the one in complete control of him and you could almost see the look of fear in his eyes as they yelled "Oh shit" in slow motion when reality slapped him in the face.

Here's what happened:

We're in bed all warm and cozy, about to go to sleep and he goes into typical guy mode and wants, no, claims he "needs" sex. Now, I had just gotten off work and was pretty worn out. I didn't use the infamous headache excuse, I didn't get all bitchy, I just said not tonight. He persisted for a good 10, maybe 15 minutes before giving up. However, I had decided half way through the whining and begging that I was going to screw with him a bit. After his unsuccessful attempts to get some, he gets up, grabs all of his clothes and starts getting dressed without a word. You could tell he was pouty and all pissed off.
I let him get completely dressed, I mean everything got put on, right down to his socks and flip flops (yes, I know, don't tell me) So, as he's about to walk out of the bedroom I call him back.

"So? You coming over here or what?"
"You said you wanted some loving, are you coming to bed or not?"
"But I just got...and you said....damnit!"

The entire time the poor guy was re-stripping he was bitching about how women had all the power and it was stupid that guys always ended up doing what they wanted. The rant went on for a good minute and a half.
I scored a point for the winning team though.
Women: 1 (trillion) Men: 0

Ideas to Profit from

I have two questions and/or suggestions:

First off, if its against the law to drive your car without your seat belt fastened, why not put that safety features into the vehicle? I mean, for people with a couple of DUI's under their belt, the judge orders them to install a nifty little gadget that basically gives them a breathalyzer and if they don't pass, the car wont start. Can we not invent the same thing for seat belts? I beat car insurance companies would drool at the idea of having those installed.

Second, why is it whenever its nice and sunny outside, I ONLY burn the top of my head? Is there an SPF hairspray, gel, or even a shampoo, anything at all? If not, I demand someone invent these products right now and ship them to me immediately! The rest of my body reacts just fine to not having any kind of sunscreen on, but for some reason my scalp just freaks out and doesn't know how to respond other than frying.

I demand a cut of the profit if anyone ends up making millions from either of those ideas!

July 04, 2008

Homeowner's Insurance and dogs - WTF?

So, I recently purchased a house and my first major plan after getting settled in was to get a puppy. To be more specific, I wanted a Rottweiler puppy. I raised and bred rotties for a good 15 years, basically my entire childhood and I loved them. Every dog I had was nothing but a big teddybear that wouldn't hurt a fly.

My Homeowner's insurance thought otherwise.

Evidentally, for an insurance I pay THEM for, they're allowed to control certain details of my life. Like, for instance, what kind of dog I CAN'T have.

Excuse me? I was informed that if I were to get a Rottweiler, my insurance would be cancelled immediately. Why? Because "They're violent dogs." wait wait...my neighbor can have a chihuahua that attacks everything on sight and barks at all hours of the night, but I cant have a rottweiler, because YOU'RE afraid of them? I hate to be the bearer of common sense but ANY DOG CAN BE RAISED MEAN. Just because it has a reputation for being a guard dog, or that its always a black color, doesn't mean it wants to tear your face off.

People need to be a little more open minded when regarding dogs, its basically racial profiling in the dog world. I mean, put that exact mind frame into a similar setting, only switch the dogs for people and you'd be shot, or arrested, or arrested then shanked.

So, explain to me again why I can't have a rottweiler? Honestly, if I were breeding a dog to tear apart my neighbors, I wouldn't pick one with a "reputation" anyhow. I'd pick something like a lab, that everyone just walks right up to and wants to pet, that way the dog doesn't waste the energy trying to chase them down before it rips their balls off.

If you can have your chihuahua, I can have my Rottweiler.

Celebrities and their stalkers

Why is it that people tend to go crazy when they encounter a famous person in the streets? What is so special that makes everyone want to jump around and scream like they've just been shot with a tazer? So you saw Brad Pitt at McDonald's, that's cool. What'd you do? Oh, you screamed in his face like a crazy homeless woman who just got denied some change and chased him down the street as he ran away from you? I bet that made a lasting impression!

Why can't people just leave celebs alone? If you absolutely have to have their autograph, there's nothing wrong with that. But have some manners about you and enough sense to wait until they're done doing what they're doing and ask politely. There's no need to run at them with your limbs flailing around and drool dripping from your tongue as you wave a pen and paper in their face. They don't know you. They certainly don't owe you shit. If you like their work that much, then leave them alone and let them enjoy doing what they do. Your crazy ass running at them like a bat out of hell is only going to make them regret that they became famous in the first place.

Which brings me to magazines that thrive on those photo ops of famous people in everyday settings, where you can tell the celeb has a "What just happened?" look on their face as the camera flashes from behind a tree. Is it really anyone's business if someone just went out with someone else? Or if rock star #1 got into a fight with sports star #2? Worry about your own life, I'm sure its a disaster on its own, no need to drag anyone else down with you. You live your life, let them live theirs. Find some other source of entertainment and stop doing the equivalent of kicking puppies.

Your dog ate...what?

My dog ate a condom. Not a fresh packaged one that he sniffed and thought "hey, that's minty fresh!" and chewed upon like a bone. No, this little bastard swallowed a used condom. That's not even the worst part. The worst part is when we realized what he was doing and tried to get it from him, he slurped it up. Yes you read that right. My dog slurped up a used condom. Let that sink in for a minute, because its all kinds of nasty.

The first thing I did (after gagging) was rush over to my friend Mr. google.com and check to see if he was going to die. Much to my surprise, condoms seem to be one of the most common things dogs eat and it doesn't hurt them in the least. Something about the nature of condoms and how they bend, they work their way through a dog's digestive system unharmed. Unless of course you're using a magnum and you have a chihuahua, then my guess is you're going to have a problem.

All I know is, if he farts and suddenly starts making a balloon animal from his ass, I'm calling the vet.

Fat Man in a Little Coat

So today, while shopping for clothes I had a thought. Do fat people buy little clothes on purpose? I mean just because you can fit your size 20 ass into a size 5 doesn't necessarily mean you wear a size 5 for all practical purposes. It just means that you're pissing off all the skinny people in the world when we go to buy underwear and cant find anything but size "Gi-normous" on the sale racks.

It would also explain why every large person I've ever encountered has various manifestations of their dinner seeping from below their shirts. It's because spandex can only stretch so far before it gives. I laugh everytime I see a tag that's been changed from "One Size Fits All" to "One Size Fits Most" it would be great if they'd just get it over with and type "One Size, Not Yours."

Now, I have nothing against large people. I will be the first to admit, I'm overly aggressive with stupid people, but fat people do nothing to piss me off. Unless they're stupid fat people, then we have a-whole-nother issue on our hands.

Stop taking our clothes damnit. We dont like living in fear of your too-small thong snapping one day and smacking us in the side of the face like a rubberband. Our eyesight is already at risk watching you waddle through the aisles at Wal-Mart with a wedgie the size of the Grand Canyon. PLEASE for the love of god, stop wearing small clothes and spandex and go to the gym. If you dont want to go to the gym, just stick to sweats, they dont ride up as much.

Diets & Temptations

Why does it seem that everytime you attempt to go on a diet, you either: 1. Gain weight or 2. Suddenly start craving more junk food than before you started the diet in the first place? I understand that if I work out, Im going to gain weight in general since muscle mass weighs more than my fat-ass, but thats not what Im talking about. Im talking about my balanced meal plans that leave me starving for mass amounts of junk food at the end of the day. What the hell?

And diet pills, honestly, they dont work. I hate to burst the bubble of anyone out there who has been or has planned on taking them, but read the fine print people. It ALWAYS says "For best results, take with a balanced diet and plenty of exercise." Guess what? You'll lose the weight that way WITHOUT those $60 a bottle pills. They're a placebo, so save your hard earned cash for something more important. Like the junk food you're going to end up eatting later tonight, so you can guilt trip yourself into going to the gym later this week.

I've given up on diets. I've been the same weight for around six years now, without the help of the hollywood diet, the no carb diet, the coffee diet, or whatever the flavor of the week now is these days. Its your body, enjoy it, dont spend your life fretting over little shit like what everyone else thinks of you. If you're a 500 lbs and a bitch, honey, you could lose 350lbs and guess what you've accomplished? Nothing, cause you're still a bitch. Most people need an attitude change, not a diet change.

July 03, 2008


I'll be honest, I get into spurts where I use EBay like a madman, selling anything and everything I can get my hands onto. Everytime I do, it never fails to amaze me what people will buy. You can list a chip that you think looks like Cher and someone out there will freak out and have to have it. I don't know why, nor do I care. As long as I've seperated some moron from their cash over something mediocre, I don't feel bad for it. However, sometimes people DO amaze me.

I had an incident a few years back with PayPal (who hasnt?) regarding a very vivid halloween costume I sold. It was a replica of a StarWars dress that Queen Amidala wore, you know, the big red one when she had on the white face paint? Yeah, that one. Anyhow, this lady ends up buying it for well over $700. Me, not being the stupid one, fully insures this package, delivery confirmation, signature required, the whole nine yards. All is good and well for a year and a half. Yes, a year and a friggin half. Then one day out of the blue, I get an email from PayPal saying there was a dispute on my account and that someone was charging back $700+ for an item they never recieved. I immediately emailed them back and informed them that the costume was recieved less than a week after the order was placed...and faxed them all of the documents I had showing her signing for it, the tracking label from UPS and everything. PayPal was quiet for about a month then suddenly charged the money from my account (not my bank account, Bank of America had already told them to F-Off after I explained the situation, go team!) so, my PayPal balance was now negative for a dispute that should have never come to be. They had the balls to tell me I had insufficent evidence to prove the item was delivered.
I had:
  • Photos of the item being worn, as well as when it was packed into the box
  • Delivery confirmation receipts with a tracking number
  • HER signature saying the package was delivered and unharmed shortly after the auction had ended.
  • Insurance copies from UPS stating that if there was any damage, the buyer had 90 days to fill out a claim form for a COMPLETE REIMBURSEMENT.

Yet, a year and a half later, she's allowed to get her money back, for no reason? Negative Ghostrider. I told PayPal they could kiss my ass. They threatened the good ol' "But its going on your credit record!" and I laughed at them. I told them I dared them to try and touch my credit record with the bullshit, because if they did, they'd get to see what a real bitch a pissed off woman could be. I never heard from them again oddly enough. But they did close out my PayPal account and prevent me from ever signing up again! Too bad for them it was empty when they did. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to sell under my finance's account now. No big deal for me!

Online Surveys

So, after a brief discussion (read: arguement) with a friend of mine over get rich quick schemes over the internet and how they dont work; she brought up Online Surveys. Might I take this time to point out, she was the one trying to defend the "Make Money Fast!" spam you see hammering your inboxes daily without mercy. To prove a point and to also end a pointless arguement with a moron, I agreed to sign up for a few of the "Get Paid to Take Online Surveys! omgz!" places. However, I wasn't going to take her advice and simply jump on the first spam mail I saw, I have more respect for needing to reformat my hard drive than that. I actually did a little research on the sites. What I came up with is a handful of perfectly honest sites that actually do pay you to take their surveys, but of course, there's always a catch.

You have a snowball's chance in hell of getting rich off these places, however, it appears you CAN make some decent money.

To expand further on the above point, you would have to sign up for dozens upon dozens of these pages to make the $600-$700 extra some people are claiming they earn

You have to be lucky enough to fall into a demographic that targets the group the products are made for, making you more likely to get a survey in your inbox asking your opinion. More surveys = more cash.

For the rest of us, we'll see maybe 4 or 5 surveys from these places a month.

But so far the best part of these places seem to be this: You sign up for an honest page and you DONT get spam in your inbox! You get an email when a survey you're qualified for has been posted. Thats it. No advertisers trying to rape your eyes, no foreign officials pleading for money, no announcements that you've won the lotto. Just emails about things that are actually going to earn you a little bit of cash.

So, while I still consider my friend wrong about the get rich quick schemes floating around the internet, I still admire the fact that she just made me get off my ass and involuntarily try out of a few of these pages, which look like they may end up covering the cost of Christmas presents this year. Too bad it wont cover a house payment, but, money is money right?

For anyone interested, here's the handful of sites I've signed up for with absolutely no problems whats so ever.

Survey Savvy

Opinion Outpost

My Survey

LightSpeed Panel

HCD Surveys

For those of you interested in trying out a few more to satisfy your own morbid curiosity, there's also a page called 123-survey.com that basically has done what I just did, but to a much higher level. They have rediculous amounts of these survey sites all listed for you, that have already been tested, tried and true. So, I wish you the best!